Looking deeper into this dimension, in my past, I would see how my friends would be in relationships with just this kind of girls, (normally the most liked and looked for amongst the guys due to the movies and series we were exposed to as children)
And there would be judgments in my head that I would repeat to myself over and over again - I am never going to have a girl like that, because I am ugly, I am not good enough, I am not skilled enough
And on that note, I would start developing and creating “some abilities” but all just out of my fucking idea of how I had to look and act and behave to be able to be with those kind of girls
So I would create this “submissive character” playing manipulation through the “good guy story” that gets the girl at the end
But I would notice that actually this girls were dating the “bad guy” the “rude”, the “violent Chico”
Because they actually felt “safe and secure with them”. Nevertheless and just because I was already “married” with the idea of “ I have to be this guy to get this girl” over the years and without realizing it, I would start building resentment and hate towards the very notion and concept of relationships, because I was constantly hitting myself against the wall saying: Damn! Why is it that I am not getting this if I already did this and that and I already achieved this and that skill, the physical appearance and everything!!!? LOL!!!
And even when it seems a very simple and hidden point, while I hav been doing SF just a couple of days ago. I didn’t noticed that, throughout all of this years, for instance, I do find and see myself at moments even “tired of making drawings, exercise, and you know? Repeating the same routine every single day”.
Because apparently I was “achieving something” and I am getting positive feedback from the environment and the people around me. But CERO self appreciation.
Because for me to actually keep that, the “disempowerment” has to exists, the very notion of “I don’t deserve this, I am not good enough” has to exist for the "perfect, ideal girl to be able to exists"
And that very burden of “unworkability” became a slight, yet heavy burden over the years in my back
That began to define “other aspects of my life” that I am apparently unable to change
Unable to work and develop other parts of myself, because I am nothing but this artist, that writes, makes drawings and it´s defined and limited by ONLY doing that! LOL
I would notice for instance overtime, that the guys who actually got the girls that I was desiring so much were not necessary having or even worrying about maintaining that picture that I learned to copy and mirror in my childhood, and just apparently it’s something so naive, so old, it’s also so laughable at the simplicity of it that to come to discuss it openly seems also naive and childish, or that’s how it’s already judged by the mind
Which is also, the entire male construct of “I have to be a man and don’t accept help from anyone! I have to fucking stand alone!”
And as I have been doing forgiveness on the point, obviously there have been coming a ton of porn pictures that, despite it’s also judged insignificance by the mind, they became the “motivational driver” to define and project the perfect relationship out there
But for the perfect relationship out there to exists I had to remain “powerless” as the good guy manipulative character
Now, I am not saying with this that now I am going into the opposite polarity, that’s also the deception. Because it’s never about the character or even having “that girl”
As the very picture and definition of “the kind of girl I wanted to create a relationship with" told me what? A story. A story about myself standing up. It wasn’t about the picture. The girl or even the relationship. It’s only the missing piece that I actually took away deliberately from myself just to play the character of the “Hero”.
And so get to that point in which I am able to go “Yes! Success!!” LOL! That’s what I wanted so deeply to appreciate myself, and proof to myself that I “made my path”. I make my destiny, I am the creator of me.
And now... after forgiving this seemingly insignificant, naive, childish point...what I have found, it’s really uplifting! I have, throughout all of this years, been working and taking me to a point of “perfecting a character” that is YES limited as a character. But it shows me what? The potential of “Self perfection”
I recalled a moment back into my childhood to be able to identify this point especifically, where after perceiving that I already walked and transcended my ideas of “attraction/desires” towards a certain type of bodies, I came across a memory in my SF, in which I recalled this guy on my school who wasn’t so “attractive” according to my own ideas and judgments of beauty at that time, but he was the one who managed to get into a relationship with just “that girl” that I was so attracted to, because he wouldn’t limit or define himself according to the judgments that even the rest of the group was projecting towards him lol.
And after seeing that he managed to make the relationship I was craving for “possible” for himself, as he would get very skilled on sports and also he would place himself into situation that other kids considered “risky” or in which we would easily get injured, instead of simply seeing what he was pushing himself to “transcend” despite of the judgments within himself or around him, I would create this judgments in myself of “I am ugly, I am a coward” LOL. It’s fascinating because, I would not take the stand, and use his example to proof to myself “Hey! If he did it I also can!” No! I would simply receive my own “projected judgments back at me! The same judgments I was projecting on him! LOL!” And from there I created myself constantly and continuously in the “impossibility” of seeing myself capable of creating “that relationship that I desired so much”.