domingo, 12 de julio de 2020

Jealousy and Envy as Trauma. Relationships of SELF.

I am going through several points that I have found how easily can bring me out of my “stability” so to speak. One of them in relation to the desires that emerge for instance, it’s to see the “interesting limitations that comes with expecting to find or expecting my partner to be a certain way” which in my mind it’s presented yes as a “picture of her appearance”, but even thou this seems as a very insignificant detail, in my mind, and this retaking some points that have been walked by Garbrielle in relation to the word “Racism”. I can see how in my mind I developed this picture of “a white woman” as the picture of someone who could bring me that “happiness” that achievement as a successful man that has made his way effectively to get the kind of relationship with the kind of person I want = Control for instance

Looking deeper into this dimension, in my past, I would see how my friends would be in relationships with just this kind of girls, (normally the most liked and looked for amongst the guys due to the movies and series we were exposed to as children)

And there would be judgments in my head that I would repeat to myself over and over again - I am never going to have a girl like that, because I am ugly, I am not good enough, I am not skilled enough

And on that note, I would start developing and creating “some abilities” but all just out of my fucking idea of how I had to look and act and behave to be able to be with those kind of girls

So I would create this “submissive character” playing manipulation through the “good guy story” that gets the girl at the end

But I would notice that actually this girls were dating the “bad guy” the “rude”, the “violent Chico”

Because they actually felt “safe and secure with them”. Nevertheless and just because I was already “married” with the idea of “ I have to be this guy to get this girl” over the years and without realizing it, I would start building resentment and hate towards the very notion and concept of relationships, because I was constantly hitting myself against the wall saying: Damn! Why is it that I am not getting this if I already did this and that and I already achieved this and that skill, the physical appearance and everything!!!? LOL!!!

And even when it seems a very simple and hidden point, while I hav been doing SF just a couple of days ago. I didn’t noticed that, throughout all of this years, for instance, I do find and see myself at moments even “tired of making drawings, exercise, and you know? Repeating the same routine every single day”.

Because apparently I was “achieving something” and I am getting positive feedback from the environment and the people around me. But CERO self appreciation.

Because for me to actually keep that, the “disempowerment” has to exists, the very notion of “I don’t deserve this, I am not good enough” has to exist for the "perfect, ideal girl to be able to exists"

And that very burden of “unworkability” became a slight, yet heavy burden over the years in my back

That began to define “other aspects of my life” that I am apparently unable to change

Unable to work and develop other parts of myself, because I am nothing but this artist, that writes, makes drawings and it´s defined and limited by ONLY doing that! LOL

I would notice for instance overtime, that the guys who actually got the girls that I was desiring so much were not necessary having or even worrying about maintaining that picture that I learned to copy and mirror in my childhood, and just apparently it’s something so naive, so old, it’s also so laughable at the simplicity of it that to come to discuss it openly seems also naive and childish, or that’s how it’s already judged by the mind

Which is also, the entire male construct of “I have to be a man and don’t accept help from anyone! I have to fucking stand alone!”

And as I have been doing forgiveness on the point, obviously there have been coming a ton of porn pictures that, despite it’s also judged insignificance by the mind, they became the “motivational driver” to define and project the perfect relationship out there

But for the perfect relationship out there to exists I had to remain “powerless” as the good guy manipulative character

Now, I am not saying with this that now I am going into the opposite polarity, that’s also the deception. Because it’s never about the character or even having “that girl”

As the very picture and definition of “the kind of girl I wanted to create a relationship with" told me what? A story. A story about myself standing up. It wasn’t about the picture. The girl or even the relationship. It’s only the missing piece that I actually took away deliberately from myself just to play the character of the “Hero”.

And so get to that point in which I am able to go “Yes! Success!!” LOL! That’s what I wanted so deeply to appreciate myself, and proof to myself that I “made my path”. I make my destiny, I am the creator of me.

And now... after forgiving this seemingly insignificant, naive, childish point...what I have found, it’s really uplifting! I have, throughout all of this years, been working and taking me to a point of “perfecting a character” that is YES limited as a character. But it shows me what? The potential of “Self perfection”

I recalled a moment back into my childhood to be able to identify this point especifically, where after perceiving that I already walked and transcended my ideas of “attraction/desires” towards a certain type of bodies, I came across a memory in my SF, in which I recalled this guy on my school who wasn’t so “attractive” according to my own ideas and judgments of beauty at that time, but he was the one who managed to get into a relationship with just “that girl” that I was so attracted to, because he wouldn’t limit or define himself according to the judgments that even the rest of the group was projecting towards him lol.

And after seeing that he managed to make the relationship I was craving for “possible” for himself, as he would get very skilled on sports and also he would place himself into situation that other kids considered “risky” or in which we would easily get injured, instead of simply seeing what he was pushing himself to “transcend” despite of the judgments within himself or around him, I would create this judgments in myself of “I am ugly, I am a coward” LOL. It’s fascinating because, I would not take the stand, and use his example to proof to myself “Hey! If he did it I also can!” No! I would simply receive my own “projected judgments back at me! The same judgments I was projecting on him! LOL!” And from there I created myself constantly and continuously in the “impossibility” of seeing myself capable of creating “that relationship that I desired so much”.

Seing that this morning brought me literally to the ground, in saying like: Shit! I have spent all of this years fighting this point! When it was sooo in my face!” Definitely a reminder for me of realizing humbleness and appreciating the gifts that actually are all the time around us, but that we spent and waste so much time repressing into the experience of Jealousy and Envy (as this experiences constitute also a form of trauma in the past) that we just missed them saying: Oh but that was only him! When actually it’s not something limited to “the person, the being” that brings that example for and as a potential that we can also take for ourselves and live it in the simplicity that the very process implies.

And from there it also exposed and made very evident for me how for instance, in my very attempt of going into a militarized school and proving myself “just as brave and strong like this person that I was so secretly jealous about”, to get a position of “authority, leadership, power” to control that which I was so afraid of taking as a part of myself, but through that point of “controlling the exterior to bring peace to the interior”. Just as it would happen later in my life - this was a tricky one at this point of my process - in which now I would want to become an “spiritual leader/voice”, because I wasn’t able to reach that same point of authority in the militarized/army, to get what? The same relationship, the same point of desire and control over the people that I was craving so much to attain.

Which wasn’t like “necessarily the person, the girl or the relationship itself neither”, but even the very first expectations that I have been trying to fulfill so hard in relation to my parents, my family and within that “bring honor and respect to my family - myself” Instead of learning how to “honor myself as Life and stopping this attempts of fulfilling the expectations of my family who, actually never gave two shits about the same things that I have been pushing and walking.

We always die alone... and to live as if we were already dead, might be the key to simply commit to live the life’s that we are so desperately trying to make real for ourselves, because at the very end, we only have this one chance...