I must confess that, yes, to a degree I do knew that I was going to have to face my own "expectations" whenever I met other Destonians, and yes, I do admit that I had other things in mind when I was coming here, and now the challenges are... well simply different than what I initially considered, but I mean, despite all the warnings that have existed for years around the economic collapse, who would say that it would happen just as soon as I arrived here? Along with a virus that it´s closing all the borders of all the countries, and I just got at the perfect time before all of that happened... LOL!!! And all of this that has been going on, the moment of my life in which its happening, and what this truly tells about myself, has got me to ask some true serious questions about the very purpose of walking and living my process.
To a certain degree I feel as if the idea that I had of the process itself was “so much more”, and it’s just amazing actually the simplicity of it; and how this passion that I feel in separation of myself-meaning the passion that I placed on the very process that I walk with Desteni, it’s actually my passion for life, and that which I saw as “so big, so great” feels actually more like what I am feeling now in the presence of me... but there is always the expectation of waiting for it to be “more” when it already is, it’s just that learning how simple and fragile it is, how much you got to take care of yourself in every single moment, in every single thought, memory, just to not get lost in the idea of yourself
Don’t misunderstand me, the challenge keeps being great, my principles are definitely being put at test yes, but I must say, it´s not a matter of "where I am" it’s simply more a consequence of finding myself in the face of my own expectations when literally meeting some of the people with who I have been walking this process of writing for more than 10 years
It’s more like, a moment that has come for me to realize the amount of actions that I have taken in this process, the actions that I took of putting myself out there to actually test myself and "see something/vision something" of myself, and now, seeing that there is nothing written in this historym that there is not a right or wrong way of doing things, but simply an opportunity of being self honest, and in which actually... despite that I do see how much I do have to still learn and change, seeing how many steps I have pushed myself to take, how far I have got when I never believed that I would even get just to this point, allows me to just feel inexplicably proud of myself in a way, for pushing myself to do so many things, even if it was only in my idea of what this process apparently meant
All of the “extra” that I have found in the road, and in which I placed this “meaning” it’s the path that I created for me, and how I want to live and express me
Realizing how my life has turned out since I arrived to the process, and that it’s something that I built from me, from my home, from my every day living, and not something that I had to come and look out anywhere else, and that I will not find out anywhere else, not even in the sacred medicines or the holy paths or anything of that. Everything that I have been looking for, it’s here, it’s me and yes, I do came here to understand how to appreciate and love myself, but it feels like it was just to understand that I didn’t needed to come to Panama to realize that.