I have been looking at this question over and over again over the past weeks: "Am I able to stand and keep standing even if I know that I am never going to be able to accomplish the task or the result that I am looking for? Do I have the determination to commit to this process of self perfection?"
And honestly speaking, I was trapped in such a tantrum over the past weeks, that I deliberately replied to this questions over and over again with a very spiteful "NO!". Nevertheless, I couldnt stopped asking revisiting this questions over and over again, in spite of all the "NO´s (nose- Knows > knowing and confirming over and over the same justifications) I am aware underneath it all, that the reason why it is impossible to change this world, is not because the "principle is flawed", but because the practical actions that I have been trying to take to "accomplish" such a task are insufficient or not well directed...
The hard part within it, is to humbly recognize that I knew that such actions where insufficient, but I didn´t wanted to do the real work, to not leave the comfort zone, because the real work is hard, like really hard...
Behind each and every single "NO" that I replied to life, there was and there is a YES...
Recently on a conversation with Jorge Correa, I was telling him that I feel in this point of life where after looking to the years behind, I feel as if nothing of what I have done so far has been of any value, worth, or purpose and that I didn´t knew what to do with my life, and he replied: "When I began to work on the prisons, I really didn´t had any idea of how I was going to do it, one thing was to read to the scientific theories and another was to deal with the real cases, everything that I learned on the college felt absolutely useless, I had to learn from the scratch but I was amazed when I got to my forty´s of what I learned and what I knew, and I was even more amazed of what I knew at my fifty´s... never give up, you just have to keep going..."
It took me a couple days to sit with his words, because actually they are the same words that I have heard from several people, in several moments of my life, from several areas of expertise, but they never made as much sense as they do now... it´s impossible to become a master without failure, and the task at hand, it´s not something that I have to aim to "resolve or change all by myself alone in a single lifetime..."
I would be lying if I said that it has been simple, or obvious, or easy to get to tell to myself: "I am too young to give up", but it´s just like that question that we are asked at times: "Where do you see yourself in the next 10 years?" Yes I have been told over and over again that having thirty is still young, but to be honest it was never "obvious" what was going to happen the next year or even the next month, and the schooling system can be such a nice illusion of "having a path" to walk, that all the important moments seem to vanish on the "
Motivation - Motive to Motion = like the reason to move myself in a certain direction, as I have always being looking for certainty, but there is nothing certain in this world, neither permanent, is it really certain that I will live tomorrow? Most of the times throughout my life I found myself constantly and continuously asking myself "What am I supposed to do? Where do I have to go?" Like expecting that there is a "path already made for me", a program that I simply have to follow till getting to that point in which everything finally ends.
What happens when it´s reason itself the very thing that stops me from doing that which I am supposed to do? it´s fascinating that, the more I find how "mistaken" I have been throughout my life about who I am, who the people are, what the world is and what isn´t, the more I open myself to question and to genuinely listening to myself in what I really feel about a situation or a person, the good and the bad, the right, the wrong, everything, because at the same time, I am learning to place myself first, because actually if I didn´t did what I do, I would simply do another thing and no one will think that is strange, it´s just me thinking I am a weirdo because of the idea that I have about what´s right and wrong.
It´s fascinating to see everything in retrospection and noticing how actually no one has ever expected anything from me, I am not supposed to do anything or to go anywhere; and yet even when I was believing that what I have been doing it´s to feel accepted and recognized, it was no one but me who placed such expectations onto myself, in a way because that´s what I wanted to do, while all the ideas and judgments and fears that I carried about what "other people might think of me", along with the stress and preoccupation and sadness (for feeling that I am never reaching such an expectations > reflected on the acceptance/love/appreciation of others) was nothing but the very abuse I have imposed on myself and calling it "discipline"...
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I don´t have the necessary to stand and keep standing, by perceiving myself as "weak" to be able to fulfill the "purpose" I gave to myself, not realizing that there is no one but me who is defining and limiting my standing and determination according to an "expectation" of what I am supposed to reach, and as I am writing this words, I can see how when I came to Desteni and I found the "call" in the simplicity of the first videos, I already had within me something more than curiosity for the history of humanity, the universe, the afterlife, etc; it was the focus and determination that I couldn't name within me at that time, and that honestly I couldn´t find within me at that time to face the real problem within and without, with the tools, principles, direction and support of the people walking the same process.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I lack determination or motivation to stand up
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for walking this process, thinking and believing that I have wasted my time, not seeing that my "focus about doing the process" became defined by reaching a goal that no one else but me defined and imagined as "the result", instead of seeing in simple common sense, how I have been living nothing but an idea of "the process", missing the real point of "walking this for myself and by myself alone", appreciating and accepting myself in and as the process
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I haven´t reached such goal that I imagined/projected in the future, I am a failure and I am "nothing", because I haven´t reached this imaginary purpose that imposed on myself defined by the same perceptions pushed within my family of creating and getting a certain way or type of life, which actually brought this whole thing of "getting married" as soon as possible! jaja, because just as Disney beautifully displays in its movies = the journey ends with the kiss > marriage > children, etc... that´s just like the worst possible directive principle to bring a child into this world, because as the result we only have a generation of parents trying to heal themselves through their children, repeating and confirming the cycle that they themselves learned and need to justify and repeat to know they are being "good parents"...
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to bring children into this world to "release myself free from the expectations of my family", because I have fulfilled that which was expected from me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live accordingly to the expectations of my parents through the desire of getting married and having children
I forgive myself that I haven´t accepted and allowed myself to see in self honesty, within and as me, that just as I don´t like the very idea of being brought to a world that works on this dynamics of abuse, I myself have the responsibility of breaking the cycle of abuse in myself, so that I can be sure that, in spite of the fact that I cannot prevent the fact that I can and will influence that child in all of it´s aspects, including those that I myself am not aware of, to at least prevent that it will have or repeat the cycles that I myself can recognize are not best for me or anybody in this world, using the directive principles of oneness and equality as the main root of the tree that will grow from that relationship, from within and without
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not being able to change the world, not realizing that I am not separated from it, as I am a part of the world, and how can I be part of the world if I try and separate myself in my mind from the people around me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am not enough because I was unable to fulfill what I believed to be "my purpose", not realizing how I actually took and gave meaning to this idea that I then called purpose, showing me nothing but the fact that I am the creator of me, there is no "path ahead" or a place to go, or a person to find, there is nothing that "I have ever had to learn", everything that I learned is the knowledge that I simply took within me considering it "relevant" in my mind, but only for as long as new questions arise within me that change all the answer I believed to "know"
I will continue on the next post (and will do it on Spanish to be more comfortable on my writing as this is mainly a work that I need to do for myself)