Standing up in the darkest hour part 2

I have been looking at this question over and over again over the past weeks: "Am I able to stand and keep standing even if I know that I am never going to be able to accomplish the task or the result that I am looking for? Do I have the determination to commit to this process of self perfection?"

And honestly speaking, I was trapped in such a tantrum over the past weeks, that I deliberately replied to this questions over and over again with a very spiteful "NO!". Nevertheless, I couldnt stopped asking revisiting this questions over and over again, in spite of all the "NO´s (nose- Knows > knowing and confirming over and over the same justifications) I am aware underneath it all, that the reason why it is impossible to change this world, is not because the "principle is flawed", but because the practical actions that I have been trying to take to "accomplish" such a task are insufficient or not well directed...

The hard part within it, is to humbly recognize that I knew that such actions where insufficient, but I didn´t wanted to do the real work, to not leave the comfort zone, because the real work is hard, like really hard...

Behind each and every single "NO" that I replied to life, there was and there is a YES... 

Recently on a conversation with Jorge Correa, I was telling him that I feel in this point of life where after looking to the years behind, I feel as if nothing of what I have done so far has been of any value, worth, or purpose and that I didn´t knew what to do with my life, and he replied: "When I began to work on the prisons, I really didn´t had any idea of how I was going to do it, one thing was to read to the scientific theories and another was to deal with the real cases, everything that I learned on the college felt absolutely useless, I had to learn from the scratch but I was amazed when I got to my forty´s of what I learned and what I knew, and I was even more amazed of what I knew at my fifty´s... never give up, you just have to keep going..."

It took me a couple days to sit with his words, because actually they are the same words that I have heard from several people, in several moments of my life, from several areas of expertise, but they never made as much sense as they do now... it´s impossible to become a master without failure, and the task at hand, it´s not something that I have to aim to "resolve or change all by myself alone in a single lifetime..."

I would be lying if I said that it has been simple, or obvious, or easy to get to tell to myself:  "I am too young to give up", but it´s just like that question that we are asked at times: "Where do you see yourself in the next 10 years?" Yes I have been told over and over again that having thirty is still young, but to be honest it was never "obvious" what was going to happen the next year or even the next month, and the schooling system can be such a nice illusion of "having a path" to walk, that all the important moments seem to vanish on the "

Motivation - Motive to Motion = like the reason to move myself in a certain direction, as I have always being looking for certainty, but there is nothing certain in this world, neither permanent, is it really certain that I will live tomorrow? Most of the times throughout my life I found myself constantly and continuously asking myself "What am I supposed to do? Where do I have to go?" Like expecting that there is a "path already made for me", a program that I simply have to follow till getting to that point in which everything finally ends.

What happens when it´s reason itself the very thing that stops me from doing that which I am supposed to do? it´s fascinating that, the more I find how "mistaken" I have been throughout my life about who I am, who the people are, what the world is and what isn´t, the more I open myself to question and to genuinely listening to myself in what I really feel about a situation or a person, the good and the bad, the right, the wrong, everything, because at the same time, I am learning to place myself first, because actually if I didn´t did what I do, I would simply do another thing and no one will think that is strange, it´s just me thinking I am a weirdo because of the idea that I have about what´s right and wrong. 

It´s fascinating to see everything in retrospection and noticing how actually no one has ever expected anything from me, I am not supposed to do anything or to go anywhere; and yet even when I was believing that what I have been doing it´s to feel accepted and recognized, it was no one but me who placed such expectations onto myself, in a way because that´s what I wanted to do, while all the ideas and judgments and fears that I carried about what "other people might think of me", along with the stress and preoccupation and sadness (for feeling that I am never reaching such an expectations > reflected on the acceptance/love/appreciation of others) was nothing but the very abuse I have imposed on myself and calling it "discipline"...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I don´t have the necessary to stand and keep standing, by perceiving myself as "weak" to be able to fulfill the "purpose" I gave to myself, not realizing that there is no one but me who is defining and limiting my standing and determination according to an "expectation" of what I am supposed to reach, and as I am writing this words, I can see how when I came to Desteni and I found the "call" in the simplicity of the first videos, I already had within me something more than curiosity for the history of humanity, the universe, the afterlife, etc; it was the focus and determination that I couldn't name within me at that time, and that honestly I couldn´t find within me at that time to face the real problem within and without, with the tools, principles, direction and support of the people walking the same process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I lack determination or motivation to stand up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for walking this process, thinking and believing that I have wasted my time, not seeing that my "focus about doing the process" became defined by reaching a goal that no one else but me defined and imagined as "the result", instead of seeing in simple common sense, how I have been living nothing but an idea of "the process", missing the real point of "walking this for myself and by myself alone", appreciating and accepting myself in and as the process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I haven´t reached such goal that I imagined/projected in the future, I am a failure and I am "nothing", because I haven´t reached this imaginary purpose that imposed on myself defined by the same perceptions pushed within my family of creating and getting a certain way or type of life, which actually brought this whole thing of "getting married" as soon as possible! jaja, because just as Disney beautifully displays in its movies = the journey ends with the kiss > marriage > children, etc... that´s just like the worst possible directive principle to bring a child into this world, because as the result we only have a generation of parents trying to heal themselves through their children, repeating and confirming the cycle that they themselves learned and need to justify and repeat to know they are being "good parents"... 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to bring children into this world to "release myself free from the expectations of my family", because I have fulfilled that which was expected from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live accordingly to the expectations of my parents through the desire of getting married and having children

I forgive myself that I haven´t accepted and allowed myself to see in self honesty, within and as me, that just as I don´t like the very idea of being brought to a world that works on this dynamics of abuse, I myself have the responsibility of breaking the cycle of abuse in myself, so that I can be sure that, in spite of the fact that I cannot prevent the fact that I can and will influence that child in all of it´s aspects, including those that I myself am not aware of, to at least prevent that it will have or repeat the cycles that I myself can recognize are not best for me or anybody in this world, using the directive principles of oneness and equality as the main root of the tree that will grow from that relationship, from within and without 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not being able to change the world, not realizing that I am not separated from it, as I am a part of the world, and how can I be part of the world if I try and separate myself in my mind from the people around me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am not enough because I was unable to fulfill what I believed to be "my purpose", not realizing how I actually took and gave meaning to this idea that I then called purpose, showing me nothing but the fact that I am the creator of me, there is no "path ahead" or a place to go, or a person to find, there is nothing that "I have ever had to learn", everything that I learned is the knowledge that I simply took within me considering it "relevant" in my mind, but only for as long as new questions arise within me that change all the answer I believed to "know"

I will continue on the next post (and will do it on Spanish to be more comfortable on my writing as this is mainly a work that I need to do for myself)

Standing up in the darkest Hour part 1

One of the words that have constituted the most challenging and difficult points for me to live in a practical way, and by practical I mean to live it in a way that it doesn´t take me or lead me into the direction of placing the definition of this word in separation of myself, is the word motivation.

There has been a lot of projects that I left unfinished throughout my life, because in the first moment I had an IDEA about it on my mind, of how it would feel and look like once that "I achieved the success/once I achieved that acceptance and recognition from others" because when I was faced with the real work, I would have this feeling that it was "not possible to achieve that result and therefore I am not able to have that moment of success feeling accepted and appreciated", and yes I will never know what could have been of me if I went through all of those roads, but I am sure of one thing = nothing can ever give me the guarantee that I wouldn´t have the same doubts and questions about who I could be if I have taken all those other opportunities and doors and roads that surely would have appear along the way... at the very end, all the essence of the road itself, comes back to who/what kind of human I decide to be in the face of conflict, what principles do I find of consideration to... give the best me I have ever given to myself and to others.

Recently I came across one very very old point, when I stumble with a song that made me remember the very trigger point, I could even say that this old "program" of my mind came to define one of the most intrinsic motivations within me, unfortunately this motivation was "mislead" in terms of, the kind of believe that grew up within me and the whole idea of "what my life and stand should apparently be as a human being in this world", and this point ironically started in my childhood with a video game that I used to play and enjoy a lot since then. And just before going into the ranting of all of this I most add that, as a result of this simple idea that I took from this video game, I came to the very decision to put myself into a militarized school and try to join the army. 

I know that such decisions are not only inspired by a single "feeling", and that are mostly the result of an entire cycle of consequences that, in my personal case the bullying that I experienced at the school had a big influence in the direction that I gave to this "motivation", and that it was inspired by my desire and yearning of standing up against the people that abused me at the school and at my home, but I only came to justify it in my words through a veil of morality that claimed that this inspiration  was directed only by a very straight reasoning and a decision of "living a life of service" or committing in this apparently so honorable action of "self sacrifice" (omitting just here and there a little bit of that lack of self-love, self-acceptance, self-recognition and so on...) , instead of recognizing honestly within me that I was afraid of all the people around me.

The truth is that, even when I try to think about who I really was before starting with this unnecessary campaign against myself and my own expression, or at least the expression of "me" that I remember before such idea existed in my mind, that expression seems so vague and distant now, buried in a pile of stones of shame, self hate, self rejection, self judgment, etc., that it´s not so much that I am not able to remember who I was behind all of it, but that I was unwilling to recognize that I was unwilling to take away the shame stone by stone to see who I really am behind and beyond all of that, because within my mind there is this judgment that tells me that "because I am an adult now" I don´t need anything from that which lies behind all of that, as it is apparently "insufficient", and not only for me, but also forthe people around me and the entire world, which ironically can be so easily translated into each and every single thought throughout my life (in it´s different forms and shapes but remaining in essence exactly the same statement): "I am not good enough", and at the same time came to perceive such judgment within my mind as an intrinsic part of myself because, it was apparently leading me "somewhere away from that expression of me".

This video game, which is called "Valkyrie Profile" is an RPG that basically tells the story of a Valkyrie who serves the god Odin, ruler of the heavens, who has to collect the souls of the brave warriors in their final moments to join her party, so that they are all able to confront the final battle = Ragnarok

I am not going to enter on a lot of details about the game, but if you want to get to know it, here you can check it out: Valkyrie Profile - Lenneth

Throughout the game, one get to know the stories of this warriors that, "sacrifice themselves for the higher good" or die trying to "protect or defend other people", and as I was remembering this scene in which I as a child, and also as a consequence of the religious education that I received at home (Christianity) The concept of "self sacrifice" became not only "normalized but also idealized" as one of the highest displays of "good" that one can ever take, because it seems so "noble" to die in a cross for the "sins" of humanity, that when it comes to questioning the abuse that one is willing to take on oneself or others, just to "proof" the validity of our lives in the bigger picture, it´s almost impossible to just come to terms with the fact that: "I don´t have to proof anything to anyone to deserve to be loved, to be accepted and recognized as a part of life and as a part of humanity", actually the idea of believing that "I am not enough, I deserve to be punished, I deserve to suffer", becomes quite "suitable" for the "savior/messiah personality".

Nevertheless and ironically, even thou the "motivation" of such point might seem"honorable", the reality behind such displays and apparent actions of "unconditional care and love", spoke more of my desire of being accepted, recognized and loved by the people around me, especially my family. 

I also strongly recommend to watch the following videos in relation to "Guilt", which expand so perfectly on this idea of "self rejection" that we create within our minds by Teal Swan

Understanding Guilt (Part 1 of 2: How to Let Go of Guilt ) - Teal Swan

How to Let Go of Guilt (Part 2 of 2: How to Let Go of Guilt) - Teal Swan

In the first stages of this trips that I would make to this and that place to be able to make of my life this "service" to every possible being that I was able to reach or help, even if it was in the most insignificant way to make the life of others better (but never working on my own...), became the closest idea to that of the warrior, and more specifically to that of the soldier, as if I was trying to fill that "gap" of the past doing anything and everything I could to make of it a proof my value as a man, as a human being... I even went as far as justifying that the reason why I have been "alone" in spite of having so much people trying to support me and help me in so many different ways, it´s because I didn´t wanted them to really get to know me, and therefore I would walk away to keep that part of me hidden.

 or going to different places to give art workshops and talks about forgiveness in prisons or in those communities; It felt very empowering to know within me: "Hey, I am standing for something that´s bigger than me", and it feels so right at the beginning. You know, the right thing to do! That I initially said to myself: "Yes, this gives meaning to my life", but now, even that impulse feels crushed, and yes I call it an impulse because it´s very self centered driven..."

A month or so when I returned from the Rehab center, I finally came to a point of having to realize the futility of the work that I have been doing throughout this years in prisons, communities and so on; I mean obviously all the experiences and the things that I learned from it have taken me to this point, for which I am actually quite grateful, because only coming to this painful moments of truth about the situation that we are really living, not only in my country, but in the entire world, simply changes the perspective of the "size of the problem" and the "tools that we are using to confront it".

Yes, it is discouraging to see how the drugs are sold at the interior of the prisons and how all it´s actually controlled from inside by the gangs and the drug cartels, obviously with some cooperation of authorities corrupted along the entire chain. It is discouraging to see how most of the rehabilitation centers for drug-addicts, not only sell the drugs inside, but also only promote the violence and abuse inside against the people who is addicted to an illegal substance (the so called "old school BS"), while seeing how the therapy that´s applied it´s not only ineffective, it is an absolute joke... (in a way it´s quite obvious that you need to keep your clients coming back to the centers and the prisons, you don´t want them rehabilitated obviously, that´s bad for the economy...) It is discouraging to get to know (by the very authorities...) that the orphanages in Mexico constitute the biggest network of child trafficking in the country, and that the same authorities facilitate this process... but none of that its as discouraging as simply realizing that everyone knows... the reason why there is no one doing a shit it´s because they have given up already, because the forces of the drug cartels are so stupidly ginormous, that we all know, that it has always surpassed the forces of our army and our government (which today is nothing but an extension of it and vicebersa), and the network of human trafficking even surpasses the power of the drug cartels... yes we all know, but the only reason why this is happening, is because we are standing "alone" against all of it, we see ourselves alone, even if you imagine yourself with all of your groups and friends and family, we know that we represent nothing to the force they represent, the only way to end this, is if humanity stand together, not groups, not communities, countries, continents, but all together.

That´s why coming to terms and forgiving myself for judging myself for not being able to change it, and let go off the "life" that I initially believed to be "my way out" of this emptiness inside of me, finally opens the door to look ahead for a real solution, which has to start with me only, because this path will never lead me to a "true fulfillment", especially if I am trying to fulfill something that cannot come from nothing or anyone else but me; I mean I know that I am never going to reach the goal that I even imagined, it´s impossible to do it for anyone in a life time, and even less with a "motivation" that´s energy driven

The irony,  to save others to actually try to save oneself is the most self centered driven action that one can take, because when I was at the face of the true immensity of the task, and came to that realization of just how every single one of my actions felt so little and insignificant within the entire system, nevertheless I would keep doing such labor and tasks, because it felt like "I am standing here, doing something good", something that will get me close to the light and make me reach heaven... and within this I can see how I have been telling the lie to myself, because if I look at it from outside, the only thing that I am doing is literally using the disgrace of other people, to sell the picture of: "Look how much I care, I am doing something about this situation that is impossible for a single person to resolve...", I would lie if I said that it made me feel "empowered" to go to all of those places and realizing the extent of the abuse done to nature, to animals, to people, by the contrary, as I said before it was depressing and certainly a "solitary road", but I would stick to it, by making of it this apparent test of: "I have to hold on, I have to keep going, this is the test, maybe it´s all going to end after this right?" 

This is precisely like the fire inside the Inipi, with the heat taking me to the ground, which at the beginning feels like a defeat, a giving up that even brought to my mind the judgment of: Why am I not strong enough to keep standing up like the leaders? But they would actually tell us "The Inipi is not a matter of strength, but of humbleness" - but once that I embrace humbly the fact that I am not able to fight with the fire, it´s when I embrace the earth and find that fresh hug and cold breathe that tells me a complete different story about who I really am, which is a story that goes beyond the ideas of "having to be strong and unmovable" as I discover that I am also able to be caring, considerate and loving with myself when I give myself permission to stop the judgment and embrace me, take care of me, my body as the earth.

And is just amazing how long and spread is that idea of standing with the "good guys", I mean, who are the good guys? The ones that keep´s everything under control? Is this world under control? Raul Zibechi would said that it surely is, because the system actually works perfectly as it was designed to create this that we are living today... the very claim of "superiority" (which is actually similar to the statement of "love and light" as a solution for the world) "I am helping, I am an activist, I am a good person" it´s simply reinforcing the same perfect circle of indifference, because if you think about it, is like saying: "Hey don´t worry, someone is taking care of this, you don´t have to do nothing, cause here are the good guys that will clean the shit for you... thanks Jesus...", while I knew that I was practically doing absolutely nothing to change or make a true impact to the life of the people in front of me... sure I shared knowledge, perspectives, tools and whatever, but the only possible substantial change that humanity will ever see, comes with a complete change of the current economic system, and unfortunately, this world works under the golden rule = the one who has the gold makes the rules.

I can feel how the very sense of insignificance that I experienced while doing all of this works, it´s actually the same in all of us, even in those that pretend to be indifferent, because it hurts so much to see, and you are already so destroyed inside, than to look outside only reminded me of how powerless one is at the face of the destruction that we have done as humanity, and how the task feels infinite and at the same time, impossible, but just as it was expressed in the first video: "Do I have the determination to keep going, even if I know that the task it´s impossible and that I will never make it in this lifetime?" 

Now  I can see how this idea of "becoming a warrior" (as a motivation) and specifically this so called warrior of God/Heaven = Lightworker.... came to become simply unsustainable, not only for me, but also for all of us as humanity, because this self centered point of "saving others to save myself" and get the glory and the alleluia is just not enough to get me through this life... therefore, what I am trying to look and bring up here, it´s simply a re-definition of the word "motivation", so that I am able to stand and keep standing, even now knowing that the mission is impossible, and keep standing even when I know that it is futile and that I am the only one standing by this point. Because as Teal also says: 

"A key element for success, is to have the answer for the question: "How do I choose to suffer in this life?" - Teal Swan - 

The violence in me - 2011: How Thoughts Create Physical Reality

There is a memory that I would like to share, a memory that emerged very recently from an event that took place in such a young moment of my infancy, that I could barely remember and pay attention of the details of this event and how much it actually impacted me, along with the kind of movies that I used to watch with my father since I was very young, especially the action movies.

My parents used to have a mini van, one of those with a big trunk, in which I liked to sleep whenever we had a long trip, and such was the chase on the evening that we returned to the house, and a man suddenly appeared from the corner of the house and tried to rob us, I remembered that my mother and my bigger sister suddenly took me and my little sister in their arms and ran out of the car, screaming and running towards the interior of the house, while my father was fighting with the robber on the ground, I started to cry worrying that my father could get hurt or worse. I jump from the arms of my mother and ran to a corner of the door, where there was a big hole from which you could see clearly the street. 

In the very instant that I looked through the hole of the corner, I saw my father punching the face of the robber over and over again, and the moment I saw that, I started screaming and crying, I was worried for my father, but also for the other person, because I didn´t wanted them to hurt each other. I was very very young; and how this picture of seeing my father punching that man, influenced me, because after that day, I remember how my parents will talk about it within a certain "tone of excitement" in their voice, as if it was a triumph that made of my father a hero for a moment. 

Whenever my parents saw any of us (me and my sisters) fighting between each other or with other person, they would tell us that it was bad, but suddenly that moment turned into something that was "good", because it was explained to us that the man that tried to rob us was a "bad person". 

Now that I had the chance of visiting this community of self-defenses, and more specifically the therapeutic center for rehabilitation of drug addictions, along with the chats and conversations that are taking place every day on the community and up to three times a day, while listening to the sharing, words and history of the people who are going through the process of rehabilitation, I came across a moment within my own personal story in relation to violence. And this happened while a man at the inside of the rehabilitation center, shared how he was about to kill a couple of co-workers with a machete and how he used to believe that that was something to be proud about. 

As I was hearing the words of this man I could remember how I used to hold such ideas in my mind, and I couldn´t stop wondering "where the fuck does that really come from?" 

As my father couldn´t spend a lot of time with us at home, I would get any chance on the weekends to be around him, and the moments in which that could happen, was when he would sit on the couch to watch an action movie (Terminator, Rambo, Robocop, etc.) One of the favorite movies of my father was Gladiator, it still is, but something would happen after that day, from which I would start to pay attention to the whole portrait of the "Hero", I mean obviously the definition of "Hero" it´s so basic and so unexplored at that age that, I am not seeing a "Hero", I am seeing a human being shooting, stabbing, exploding and killing in every possible way other human beings, but with the same "positive aura" around the character that represents such aggression and violence that is justifiable between human beings, because it´s defending a higher "good".

It´s ironic to what degree we are willing to play such roles and representations for a moment of recognition, a moment in which we are able to shine amongst every one else around us and believe for a moment we are more than the others, we are especial, and we have reached the top of the tallest tower to save the princess for which we are willing to fight and kill ourselves for, just to end up in a broken and dysfunctional marriage at the end.

I continue in the next post

Desesperanza pt 1

Tras el mes de trabajo en Tancítaro Michoacán, experimenté una gran caída, una gran desilusión y vacío dentro de mí, como ya había compartido en algunos escritos y videos; pues estando por allá, ocurrieron diversos eventos que me dejaron cuestionando el "propósito" de esta labor que he venido haciendo en diversas comunidades y diversos entornos, no porque la labor en sí misma no "valga la pena" o "no sea loable", desde luego aporta algo, por mínimo que esto pueda parecer, a un cambio que sea el mejor para todos; sin embargo, hace muchos años me cansé de creer ciegamente que puedo cambiar el mundo o a las personas en este, al darme cuenta de que no soy parte en lo absoluto de las personas que toman "las decisiones importantes", las que si cambian y afectan la vida de todos. 

Es irónico cómo en diversas ocasiones me he encontrado molesto ante la situación que estamos viviendo, y no, no hablo de la pandemia, sino de todo lo que está pasando detrás de esta, desde el colapso económico, la cotización del agua en la banca, la obediencia sumisa de la sociedad, y la dudosa moral de nuestros expertos, especialistas, médicos y líderes, mientras que puedo ver en mí mismo directamente el reflejo de ese mismo "hartazgo y resignación" que existe tanto en mí como en ellos. ¿Cómo puedo reclamarle a la humanidad que se haya dado por vencida, si yo mismo renuncio a ella y a mí mismo? 

Digo esto porque, en una plática con uno de los servidores públicos que nos acompañó a Tancítaro, nos compartían el hecho de que las casas hogar a lo largo de toda la república, constituyen la red de trata de menores de edad, y ocurre que esta situación que es "conocida" por el gobierno, y que es conocida por la sociedad o cuando menos "imaginada" en alguna medida por esta, parece ser abordada desde el rincón de la indiferencia, despertando en mí, esta sensación que, provocó en mí una gran impotencia ante una labor tan titánica que parecía simplemente no tener límites, y además despertó en mi una gran rabia hacia la totalidad del sistema per se, y en especial a los líderes mundiales por la deliberada aceptación y permiso de la existencia de estos abusos, porque si es posible (como se ha venido a demostrar en fechas recientes) que es posible paralizar la economía en la mayor parte del globo, forzar a la sociedad a usar máscaras y obedecer las medidas de la cuarentena aunado a las medidas sanitarias,  polarizar y dividir a la sociedad en un modo sin precedentes y resetear todo el modelo económico, ¿por qué no detuvieron dicha red?

No pocas personas que se han dedicado a la investigación y exposición de la red de abuso sexual infantil constantemente exponen a personajes de un gran poder político o religioso; y ciertamente cuesta trabajo creer que el motivo de su poder, no tiene una relación directa con el intrincado sistema de corrupción que existe para que instituciones y procedimientos legales tan extensos y complejos como la figura de la adopción, sean fácilmente burlados y justificados en el interior para la venta y trata de los menores...

Y esto despertó en mi una multiplicidad de emociones (algunas de las cuales ya he expresado en posts anteriores), porque de pronto ante mí me encuentro con la confirmación de una realidad que queda en evidencia, por algo que comenzó como una extraña y compleja sensación de desconfianza ante la autoridad y su narrativa, y que hoy se ha visto confirmada por una serie de acciones que, no son tan evidentes para el resto de las personas, y que indefectiblemente algo de la ignorancia de las masas, me obliga a reflexionar sobre mi propia ignorancia y limitaciones perceptivas.  pero que de pronto se ha convertido en la sensación más "resiliente" que acalla todas las dudas, cierra todas las brechas y no obstante, difícilmente puedo compartir, expresar o hablar de ello con otras personas sin entrar en debates ideológicos o múltiples conflictos.

Tras volver de aquella labor en Tancítaro, caí en cama rendido, triste y enojado, de hecho al poco tiempo tuve una fiebre y algo de dolor en la garganta, también me sentía molesto y harto del discurso repetido en casa hasta el cansancio con respecto a las "medidas sanitarias", incertidumbre con respecto a la información que ha venido de todas partes, ya fuera la narrativa oficial, o la contra narrativa de todos los investigadores y médicos que se han levantado a difundir la verdad, que tomé la decisión de llevar a cabo mi propia prueba, y corroborar la teoría de los gérmenes de Louis Pasteur contra la de Bechamp. 

Decidí no hacerme la prueba de COVID, ni decirle a las personas con las que me encontraba acerca de mi estado; sólo me quedé en cama y me atendí valiéndome de los pocos conocimientos y remedios naturales que conocía para tratar los síntomas; ya no me interesaba si la situación se salía de control, estaba dispuesto a asumir todas las consecuencias de mi decisión sin importar el resultado. Y tras 4 días preparando te de ajo, cebolla, jengibre, canela, miel y limón, durmiendo la mayor parte del día, y comiendo sólo aquello que se sintiera ligero y suficiente para el cuerpo, me recuperé físicamente y nadie se contagio... han pasado 2 semanas desde entonces, y ninguna persona presentó sintomatología a pesar de que compartimos los mismos espacios, y no ocupábamos las máscaras en el interior de la casa. Fue un riesgo? Si, ¿estoy satisfecho con el resultado? Si

No obstante, aún seguía aquella sensación en mí, porque apenas comenzaba a "digerir" aquella información sobre la situación del país, y es que ahora comienzo a entender cómo es que las palabras que hablamos o escuchamos pueden provocar un shock en uno mismo y en los demás, al grado de enfermarnos, porque aún en el momento de esa incomodidad física o de ese movimiento sorpresivo e impactante para mi propia mente, me sentiría "incapaz" de nombrar o definir qué es exactamente aquello que estoy sintiendo dentro de mí mismo, y ¿por qué estas palabras o estas situaciones y acciones han provocado semejante impacto en mí? Y es simple y sencillamente que ante mí sentí en ese momento como si tuviera la confirmación de que la humanidad se ha dado por vencida, y que así como podemos saber donde se encuentran los principales criminales y líderes del narcotráfico, sabemos que son una fuerza "tan poderosa, tan inconmensurable", que no podemos evitar sentirnos impotentes e insignificantes ante esa situación, porque en efecto, es inevitable llegar a la conclusión de que el cambio, no es algo que ocurrirá en una sola generación, ni es algo tan simple que podamos de hecho dejar de tener que reevaluar y cuestionar, incluso las mismas soluciones que creímos lo mejor antes, porque podría no ser lo mismo hoy.

Porque otro punto con el cual me he visto confrontado, es que no sólo no puedo confiar en la información que alguna vez recibí en la escuela,  ni siquiera de las clases de biología... sino que me es inevitable llegar a confirmar de igual modo el reflejo de nuestra absoluta ignorancia con respecto de esta realidad física, porque hoy ya nadie sabe nada de nada, ya nadie confirma nada de la información que recibe, y lo único que sabemos son las opiniones de aquellos profesionales, expertos y líderes a quienes apoyamos basándonos en la defensa del discurso que se ajuste a nuestros intereses, pero no cuestionamos las consecuencias de aquellos acuerdos, porque la realidad es que ni siquiera alcanzamos a comprenderlas.

Me perdono a mí mismo por aceptarme y permitirme a mí mismo creer que no soy parte de las personas que toman decisiones importantes, que si impactan la vida de las personas en el entorno, cuando eso de hecho no es verdad, siempre que se toma una decisión de cambiar dentro de uno mismo, es una decisión importante que afecta a todos, por lo cual no acepto ni permito ya este juicio dentro de mí mismo

Me perdono a mí mismo por aceptarme y permitirme a mí mismo dejar que la situación de las casas hogar en el mundo me desanime, deprima o desmotive al emerger el pensamiento: "No sirve de nada lo que estoy haciendo"

Me perdono a mí mismo por aceptarme y permitirme a mí mismo resistir el hecho de que no puedo hacer absolutamente nada ante la situación que se encuentra aconteciendo, y no importa que cantidad de documentos, o de información comparta, mi responsabilidad no está en cambiar a las personas, ni en cambiar el mundo, sino cambiar mis propios patrones mentales en honestidad conmigo mismo.

Me perdono a mí mismo por aceptarme y permitirme a mí mismo creer que dando likes y compartiendo noticias o libros, estoy ayudando a hacer un cambio en el mundo, porque "apoyo una visión", sin embargo puedo ver en honestidad conmigo mismo, que no estoy haciendo nada prácticamente por cambiar esa situación, porque yo no me estoy moviendo, no estoy tomando "una decisión" con respecto a "quien soy y quién voy a ser con respecto a esta situación", ni estoy interviniendo directamente, sólo estoy recibiendo las noticias, las opiniones y comentarios de todas las personas que si están haciendo y tomando esas decisiones por mí y por todos, afectando de manera real nuestras vidas. Y eso ocurre porque yo no he tomado la acción de hacerme responsable de este cuerpo, de este ser que soy, en todas las dimensiones concebibles posibles, porque todo cuanto ignoro de mí o del mundo en mi deliberada "inacción e indecisión" es lo que hace posible que dependa de gobiernos que nos regulen, de médicos que nos curen, de todo tipo de personas en mi entorno que me digan qué hacer con y de mi vida. 

Me perdono a mí mismo por no aceptarme y permitirme a mí mismo volverme de las personas que toman decisiones y las ejecutan práctica y físicamente dentro de este mundo

Me perdono a mí mismo por aceptarme y permitirme a mí mismo asumir que las personas "verán lo mismo que yo y llegarán a la misma conclusión y solución", en lugar de confiar en mí mismo y confiar en la solución que veo y encuentro en mí a través de estas herramientas, a través de mis palabras en y como la honestidad conmigo mismo para crear un mundo que sea el mejor para todos, sin que por este caiga en la ilusión de creer que mi solución es "la única" y que a todo el mundo debe funcionarle, puesto que cada uno es una expresión única y encuentra soluciones únicas a problemas personales y externos, como consecuencia de nuestra Unicidad.

Me perdono a mí mismo por no aceptarme y permitirme a mí mismo reconocerme como el creador de mi propia experiencia ante las circunstancias, sobre las cuales no tengo ningún control, sin embargo, puedo decidir "quien soy yo" ante cualquiera de estas situaciones y eventos; siempre he podido decidir qué clase de actitud tomar, siempre opté por una actitud que se acercara a aquel ideal que formulé en mi mente, y no obstante, es justo en este punto de mi vida, que puedo ver como todo mi paradigma ha cambiado nuevamente, porque veo y reconozco humildemente que es imposible que logre concluir en esta vida "ese cambio que me gustaría ver", y por consecuente, la decisión que se tiene que hacer, es la de comprometerse a la realización de dicho cambio, aún si fracaso completamente. 

Me perdono a mí mismo por aceptarme y permitirme a mí mismo temer equivocarme y fracasar en el cambio que tengo que hacer en mi vida, junto con todo lo que esos cambios pueden implicar dentro de la misma, asumiendo la responsabilidad por las consecuencias de dicha decisión; aunque irónicamente, puedo ver cómo las consecuencias que he creado en mi vida hasta este punto, han venido de mis palabras, de mis acciones y mis pensamientos, por lo que en realidad, mismo si quiero asumir dichas consecuencias o no, siempre han estado allí, la diferencia está en que, puedo establecer principios que determinen la dirección de esas decisiones.

Me perdono a mí mismo por no aceptarme y permitirme a mí mismo reconocer en honestidad conmigo mismo, cuales son mis potenciales y limitaciones, para reconocer simple y prácticamente qué y hasta dónde soy capaz de apoyar dicho cambio, sin perder de vista aquello que genuinamente me ha motivado en la creación del mismo, lo cual es el hecho que, desde que era niño, hay muchas cosas que podía simple y genuinamente reconocer que no era lo mejor para este mundo, como el abuso a los animales, a las personas, la pobreza, las guerras, sin embargo, nada de eso puede cambiar hasta que yo no me atreva a ver en la más brutal honestidad conmigo mismo dentro de todos y cada uno de estos puntos y esté dispuesto a reconocerme más allá de la mentira que he querido creer que soy, porque sé perfectamente que es todo aquello que no he querido ver y reconocer de mí mismo, eso no lo publico y lo pongo allá afuera para que todos lo vean, eso lo mantengo escondido sólo para mí y para asegurarme de resguardar el secreto entre las mentiras y los pensamientos en mi mente. ¿Qué excusa se puede dar una vez que me veo a mí mismo como responsable de las consecuencias que yo mismo he creado en mi vida?

Me perdono a mí mismo por aceptarme  y permitirme a mí mismo juzgarme a mí mismo por haber vuelto a consumir mariguana como una forma de anestésico para evadir la realidad acerca de mí mismo, creyendo que me ayudaría a llenar el vacío que siento, pero puedo ver que ninguna de esas cosas externas pueden realmente darme esa solución que estoy buscando para mí propio trabajo interno, y ciertamente el juicio de la mente es en extremo dañino para uno mismo, más que fumar una planta, porque se siente tal y como cuando uno tiene la certeza de que esta a punto de caer, sin embargo, en mi interior, no se ve esa caída o ese colapso de mi propio cuerpo ante estos estados emocionales con los cuales yo me destruyo por dentro con todos estos juicios que siento

Teams Based on Mutual Trust

After listening to this interview by Simon Sinek, I was able to see one thing: If we have got to this point in history in which a bunch of people have managed to take over the entire world, it´s simply because they built networks of relationships based on mutual trust. Money obviously is the driving factor, the point that influence the relationships and the agreements, we mutually trust in money as a God that dictates the rules, as it is the golden the rule the one we will never question. Talent is a plus, but it´s not really that important, as long as there is money, you can hire the talent, and get their abilities to make them work for your dreams, your fantasies and desires; and certainly if we were in their place, we would have done exactly the same, cause nothing could have ever turned out like this, if we all didn´t agreed on the one thing that we will never question: Money. And if it wasn´t for their willingness to work and cooperate between each other no matter what, and our unwillingness to focus on something more than our self centered ambitions, and to forgive and put aside our interests to come to an agreement what has given the few the power over the majority, we are divided and separated already from within ourselves and between each other.

I must say that, this point of "mutual trust", it´s something that deeply confused me and even made me angry towards Desteni, as the message had from the very beginning this subtle warning that stated: "Don´t trust anyone, and don´t trust Desteni". Yes, I can see how within me I wanted and expected to be able to rely on other people, to alleviate the charge within me, but the reality is that, no one is responsible for the cross that I put on myself with the very consequences that I have created throughout my life, cause I haven´t got to this point of really living "self trust". My very fear of myself has controlled every aspect of my life through all this years, and it isn´t until now that I begin to realize it, unfortunately through the same way that I have gotten to this point of my life = through consequences. 

And a question that emerges and keeps emerging is: How much time I have wasted on all of this and how much is going to take me to get out of all of it? Am I even able to make it in this life? That´s why I wanted so bad to place myself and my future on something that I was able to rely on, without realizing that it was precisely through that thought, that idea and desire of having something or someone to rely on that I became a follower of opinions and in the end I didn´t liked where I ended up, because I didn´t knew where the fuck the others were going in the first place, and the worst is that I didn´t asked, I didn´t dared to ask, because I didn´t wanted to question the idea that I made in my mind about it all, but instead of trusting myself, I kept hearing only to other people and my voice became only a vote for other people voices...

Throughout my life, this action of expecting and waiting (because it´s an action based on the inaction towards my own responsibility) for the answer that will lead me to solve my life, and in that way I took the words of B and S, and I tried to use them as the only guide, the problem is that even if I tell to myself "only follow this" I can´t prevent my mind from making a perception about the words that were said, and within this I only looped myself into my self centered ideas. And getting to this point of accepting that even when the perspectives and sharings might be really cool and really supportive, at the very end, I am only going to be able to make a path of my own when I start to answer my own questions, even towards all of that which seemed unquestionable to me, as one always have to still live one´s own unique life and apply the knowledge and info into the specific event and, for instance if one compares that to the words of Jesus in a way, his words (as it happened with a lot of amazing beings before them) has always been here, but they are simply not applied, they are not lived and directed in the very decision of being the "living word" which for me translates as: Creating the experience of myself through the lens of this words, or seeing my life as if already living the principle thats inherent in the words. Living this particular individual expression of the life that I am as a human being through the words/principles that´s based on those words by themselves"

Because, even thou B and S might have gotten to a point where they integrated this words in themselves, that doesn´t mean that they were not and still are walking and struggling with parts of themselves and their processes as the rest of us. I do believe that words like "God" has been one of the most misunderstood and misinterpreted designs on my life, because it has been part of the whole "waiting for a savior" and waiting for someone to tell me what to do with my life, because according to this whole idea "I wasn´t the designer of myself" someone else did it for me, just as our parents and society tell us all the time "What´s the right behaviour and the right answer" and so one expects to eventually sit at the right of the father, cause we did everything right, right? Till we get to a point in life where we get so dizzy for going in circles and repeating the same cycles and mistakes over and over again that, you know, one do gets to question: what could have happen if I did it on this other way? You know, what about the left? Oh no, those fuckers are conspiracy theorists, they are going to tell you that religion and governments are a scam and are trying to manipulate us, don´t put to much attention into that (type of thing). Don´t worry I am just kidding, we know that right and left tend to be very much a part of the same scam in many ways.

It´s ironic in a way cause if I was designed and created and MANufactured by this being that is Perfect, but at the same time I see all this flaws in me and in the world, while at the same time we are told over and over again that all of this abuse we are living is done for a reason... well, to be honest I would like to see the Pope and all of those who preach for such believes to go out to the street with their eyes closed at every moment, like when they cross a sidewalk or without their personal guards and security, and let´s see if they have such a deep faith on Gods plan, because who are they to question it anyways? Just kidding again ;) 

This desire of "being able to "trust" someone/something, and like blindingly follow it to the end of my life, it´s kind of funny in a way, because on this regard, it´s like I expect to being able to never make any mistakes at all if I simply go and follow this, and whoever comes into my life and do ask me and question "Why have I decided for 10 years to be and stand with the Desteni message" (just as Simon Sinek makes the same point about entering the army) I can simply give the "rational answer" and repeat this formula over and over again of: "To help to make a change in this world, within the principles of Oneness and Equality and bring a world that is best for all" Ok yeah! There are a whole ton of groups already repeating and even abusing the same words, but why Desteni? Because they were the only ones who really had the balls to speak from the very beginning about the real state and condition of the world, and giving a message that´s quite crude on what this process is really all about, and they didn´t created any expectation on "beautiful ideas of love and light" to make it look as something that is isn´t. And I took the decision of standing with them because I was so tired of living a lie out of myself in a life that didn´t made any sense to me, that all that I wanted when I found Desteni, was to be able to find something that was worthy to fight and stand for, which was something that was bigger than myself... 

Or as Anu says: Why are you walking this process? Because if I wasn´t, I don´t really know what I would still be doing alive in this world, I mean, sure I know what I would be doing, but at the same time I know where that leads me and I don´t really want to go that way, I mean surely I could have very cool experiences if I went through that path without questioning it at all, but at the end, would I be able to get to the end of this life and be ok with what I did with my opportunity? Or should I say what I didn´t did with it? I mean, to be brutally honest, I don´t even know how the path with the American Indians would make any sense to me, as I am living it today from its very unique starting point that I am living it, if it wasn´t for this process in itself.

In that regards, I can say that this process it´s not about trusting others, or what others are doing or living within and as this process, but how I decide to approach and live this process. Otherwise how could we "build any mutual trust" if every time that something goes wrong in my life I can blame THEM in the moment something goes doesn´t come as I expect it or want it to result, to be experienced or manifested, cause I don´t see myself "improving" at doing that which they told me I was supposed to do or be good at? 

The decision to stand together, comes from that... inner call that´s deeper than our beliefs, ideas, cultures, education, knowledge or whatever you wanna call it... at the very end. If we are unable to forgive and let go those things that divide us, then yes, we are just wasting our life here writing blogs and making videos.

At the very end I do believe that I am able to be grateful for that, even if I eventually decided to walk in other way, the very foundation that I learned from Desteni will always be a part of this life/this expression that is me. Nothing is sure on this life, not at this point in how it exists...

I will continue in the next post

Canalizando el camino

El día de hoy, al levantarme comencé a prestar atención a los hábitos y pensamientos desde otro punto de partida. De hecho, desde que me fui a acostar ayer, decidí que voy a empezar a tratar conmigo mismo como si fuera un completo desconocido para mí mismo, lo cual me lleva de igual modo a recordar la importancia de la humildad.

Comienzo un nuevo punto de partida en mi proceso, e irónicamente el día de hoy he recibido una llamada de mi psicóloga para confirmar una cita para realizar un examen de orientación vocacional. Quiero descubrir cuales son mis puntos y fortalezas más afines en este punto de mi vida, ya me siento cansado incluso de enfocarme únicamente en ver mis defectos, ahora quiero comenzar a apoyarme y quererme y apreciarme a mí mismo un poco más, lo cual empieza por saber dejarme apoyar y orientar por las personas en mi entorno, para que pueda eventualmente volver a servir y a ofrecer lo mejor de mí.

De igual modo, y con la finalidad de motivarme en la escritura, le he pedido a un amigo que me ayude con un proyecto, el cual consistirá de ayudarme a la fabricación de una herramienta bien especial para la escritura, la cual servirá a recordatorio del proyecto más importante sobre mí mismo = mi sanación y reprogramación para poder traer la mejor versión y expresión de mí mismo en esta vida, en y como mi máximo potencial

ME ESTOY SANANDO....

Estoy entendiendo que no tengo que hacerme indispensable.

Estoy tomando distancia para observar y observarme desde lejos.

Estoy despertando de un aletargado condicionamiento.

Me doy cuenta que no necesito de apegos.

Que para ser libre es necesario volar ligero (a).

Estoy sintiendo lo que significa no ser necesitado (a).

Estoy entendiendo lo que hace la distancia, el tiempo y la autonomía en las decisiones.

Estoy dejando de influir e intervenir en vidas ajenas.

Estoy dejando de estar donde no soy llamado (a).

Estoy dejando de cargar procesos de otros.

Estoy practicando guardar silencio y respirar lento.

Estoy recordando que ser amable no me impide ser claro (a) y dejarme sentir las emociones que afloran en mi interior en este preciso momento.

Estoy despojándome de expectativas ajenas para reconstruirme desde mis propios instintos.

Estoy dejando que mi naturaleza salga desde la profundidad de mi alma.

Me estoy sanando y eso me está enseñando a escucharme, a priorizarme, a permitirme sentir ser yo mismo (a).

ESTOY SANANDO

El potencial de un cuerpo programable...

Durante todos estos años con Desteni, me parece que no había entendido el mensaje de Bernard Poolman acerca de un "cuerpo programable" o como de igual modo se refería a ello como: El robot orgánico, sino hasta el día de hoy.

Es posible programar una bacteria para reproducir el patrón de una imagen, pero también es posible programar el código genético del ser humano para reproducir, no sólo acciones a distancia, o como se explica en el video, mediante la intención y pensamiento de otra persona vía remota, sino que es de igual modo posible mejorar el cuerpo del ser humano para cualquier tarea que se esté realizando.

Y puedo ver como todas las memorias almacenadas dentro del cuerpo, incluso aquellas heredadas de generación en generación, son de igual modo reprogramables al grado en el que es posible que, mediante nuestras palabras, las cuales son una expresión de sonido que viaja por el cuerpo, podamos encausar un dominio total del físico.

Lo que personalmente me preocupa un poco acerca de estas "mejoras adaptadas" al cuerpo físico, es que, literalmente se habla de programar solo ciertas aptitudes y habilidades para realizar una labor específica, la cual puede reproducirse a la siguiente generación y, con ello, en un escenario un poco sacado de alguna obra de ciencia ficción, sólo se delegaran a ciertas personas las mejores aptitudes o habilidades con las cuales podrán mantener al resto sumisos.

A partir de mañana, comenzaré a cargar con una libreta, con este enfoque, con esta decisión de mejorarme a mí mismo. Y daré actualizaciones sobre aquello que vaya descubriendo tanto dentro como fuera de mí.