viernes, 9 de noviembre de 2018
Mi jornada hacia la vida, Día 1127, Who Would Want to be Normal?
From a very long time in my life, I have always tried to imitate and copy the attitudes, character and behaviors of the people around me in my world, specially from those who I regarded as strong personalities who received like almost all the attention from the rest of the group. And it´s somehow funny now to find out how much I used to believe that, when I apparently looked similar to such people in my world, I would now be able to live that confidence and trust in myself, but a trust defined in this idea that I would be accepted and recognized by such people, only because I wanted to have and experience the kind of situations and relationships that I would see that they were having...
Nevertheless, interestingly enough, it didn´t matter how much I managed to copycat such behaviors and personalities, I would never actually feel any more confident within myself that I was before, because within me now I would experience the anxiety and worry of having to always maintain present and align myself into the "right behavior, right words, right attitude" necessary to be accepted and recognized by other. And its also interesting that actually, I always "failed" into try to imitate and copy such behavior and personalities, because within me, I would always stumble on such expressions and ideas, because within me I actually wasn´t able to like "really feel authentic", it was more like this inner knowing that "I am actually not this that I am trying to express, I am not able to believe on this nonsensical bullshit", because I mean that´s what it is, just useless bullshit that I was speaking about, and within that I actually created my own condition of being constantly rejected by the entire group, because I was like that nerdy guy who was always trying and pretending to be "cool", without ever always reaching it; and it is in such moments that I look back when I wonder "what could have I reached if I only allowed myself to be and remain truth to myself?"
When I got to Desteni, the first point to walk was the relationship with my family, because as soon as I began to change many of my usual behavior, what I would suddenly find is that they literally got liked shocked of finding out that I was not the person that they always believed myself to be; that of course brought also a lot of conflict because, they did wanted me to remain exactly the same as they knew me in the past, because I mean, if you already have managed to define your routine and relationships within and towards your most direct/immediate circle of relationships, you don´t want them to be changing all of a sudden, specially when you have managed to accommodate and define your entire character, personality and comfort zone within your life... or at least that´s what it seemed to be when the conflicts began in the house.
With the going and passing of time, I began to notice that, I do began to lose a lot of relationships and many of the people around me would not even dare to stand in my presence for a very long time, I was the crazy weird bastard who was speaking about an interdimensional portal and living oneness and equality lol, and just a very reduce group of people would want to be around me, but not even like all the time, just every now and then. And yes, in the beginning it was very lonely to remain in such a position for extended periods of time, but it also happened that I would also not be able to tolerate the "Normal" conversations and reunions in which my family and friends wanted me to participate in, and I would actually find that I felt more comfortable just being with myself than going out and searching for that experience of making relationships.
I am not going to deny that I had a lot of vicious cycles and patterns of projecting knowledge and information about the process and, you know, like always creating this sort of criticizing personality towards everything and everyone in my world, but even within all of that, with such vicious cycles and patterns, there was definitely something that was coming up within me that I couldn´t have ever lived or expressed if it wasn´t for this process in itself, and that was the very expression of being able to stand up in such principles, in such position, without giving a fuck if someone cared about what I was speaking or even if they called me mad or crazy or whatever (which actually happened quite frequently lol, and that allowed me to accept and embrace the very fact that I knew that I would be rejected and ostracized most of the time, if not every time LOL), and therefore I began to accept that I was alone and that I only had myself to walk through this; obviously I wasn´t able to like just maintain such a condition because this world system demands like more interactions so to speak and demands the very ability and capacity of forming relationships to get a job and so on and so forth..., but if there is anything that I am grateful for, is that gift that I gave to myself of knowing I can stand here no matter what...
Of course many, many, many things have being adjusted and balanced so to speak, and I actually interact quite frequently with a lot of people, but now in a different starting point; there is a lot that I still have to preserve only for myself and that I am only able to talk and speak about with a very little group of people, but it´s always a relief to know that I can still be and preserve that weirdo for myself whenever I need to introspect and trust in nothing and no one else but myself.