sábado, 14 de abril de 2018

Mi jornada hacia la vida, Day 1085, The evil within us

There is an interesting tendency of thinking in the criminals as if they were some sort of irrational animal that is not able to feel or understand anything. And I mean, of course there are some people that do have some histories that seems to be taken from an horror tale. And I must admit tha I do had one experience that, to this day, is and will remain as one of the most scary moments in my life, which was the moment in which I meet one of the most vicious human beings that I have ever heard off, because this guy was not a simple murderer like many others who just do this stupid and irrational kills at will. No, he indeed took the life of hundreds of people, yes hundreds, but the interesting thing about this guy is just how smart and skilled he was for many many things, I cannot and will not make a long talk about him, due to the restrictions and terms of confidentiality of the prison and the government; nevertheless what I can do say and share again is “who I was” when I was right next to this man, looking at all my thought just going all over the place by the consideration of who this person was, and interestingly enough, what caught my attention was not only to look at my own reaction of fear, but the fact that within that very reaction I was completely disregarding the fact that at the end I was sitting right next to a human being (spite of all of those who may say that these people have lost their human condition and have become some sort of monster, I am sorry to tell you that that is not so).

After a quick dynamic of Gestalt psychology that I pretty much like to apply especially with the people in prison, I allow myself to just be vulnerable and open with this man as he began to share his history with me, how he was abandon since he was a 5-6 year old child for his own family and how he had to survive in the streets with others kids who were also left to their luck in a city that is also famous for being one with the highest index of violence in the entire world. He was taken by a criminal Cartel since he was a child and at the age of 7 years he was already walking around with a gun while planting seeds of marijuana, amapola, coca and so on. He was trained and tortured for the purpose to not feel any fear form of fear, and also to be able to outstand any form of torture in case of being capture by other criminal groups. And as he continued sharing some of the details of his personal life, he began to show more than just that cold and death mask that has marked his face over the years, and that has marked his expression in such a way that, for moments allows you to see so much anger and rage, and in others a child who is just hiding behind a mask from a world that he learned to fear to such an extent that the only way that he found to survive it, was to actually not show it any form of fear at all, and in it´s place he put that fearless, strong and “macho” mask, but unfortunately  even if I tried to go in the detail of every mark of his face, I would not be able to describe the mixture of fear, uncertainty, alert and compassion (Yes, he actually showed compassion and more than just “intelligence to do evil”, this due to some details that I am not authorized to share here)

I cannot speak for the consciousness of this man in relation to the victims and their families, I do not pretend to speak in his name or defend or justify him in any way whatsoever (or to justify myself, as I will explain in a few moments), but what I do know, and can speak for myself, is that when I have found myself in such anger, in such rage, I would not be thinking in how I could be hurting such person or his family; it´s like one becomes blind for a moment and do not consider or think about the consequences until it is already too late to change it; maybe the first time (as many prisoners have shared by their personal experience) one just realizes that one has fucked it up, but once that they do it a second time and they realize that there is no turning back, most of them just try and do everything to remain drugged or just distracted from themselves and from the consciousness that now they don´t have the courage to self honestly have a look at (of course it´s not the case for everyone, there is people who do make a big effort to change and they actually achieve it, but we cannot deny that its a very little amount and proportion of the statistic)

After the several talks that we share, I began to see within me that there was also many of the things that I found within this person (let me explain). All my life I lived in fear of the people and the world around me, in general I was always the type of child who used to hide alone from the rest of the group, I was very shy and I actually considered myself as a pretty coward person, in the very perception of my own weakness, I would think and imagine myself in the position of the opposite polarity "being the bully, being the aggressor", as I explained in the previous post (Freedom takes more than leaving the jail.) spite the fact that we will not always act over such thoughts, that doesn´t mean that we don´t have such type of thoughts and the more and more the statistic grows in proportion to the entire human population, the more those indexes change from the 10% to the 35% or 45% (you name it), why? Because the more and more we find ourselves in a position of survival in relation to the predominant behavior, it then becomes more and more difficult to not act over the needs and conditions of such states of survival, I mean if you try to only find a job that can allow you to live that self honesty, that "right way of living", you will simply not find it; and of course I am not saying that only because you will not be able to find such ideal job, you must go "Ok fuck it all" and go to the opposite polarity. Nevertheless, we cannot deny that we will constantly be defy by such moments, by such inner demons and we always have to find the best possible solution through communication, and within that find the way to deal and face our own inner demons.

Throughout my life, as I grew feeding this fear of the people around me, the more and more I began to justify and believe that "I was the victim and the others were the evil ones", which then lead me to have those thoughts that I mention previously, which then became this inner anger and aggression that just accumulated over the years, until there was that moment in which I came to justify the reasons to why I would be able to disregard other people and remain indifferent to the abuse in my daily life. If I have a look, in the most direct and self honest way that I am able to - the only difference between me and that man who I met in prison, is that he acted over the thoughts that I limited myself to simply imagine within myself. Because I do have killed thousands of times in my head, playing the "mind video games" of words, bullets and conflicts, and it´s because of my participation in such thoughts that I am also responsible for the current existence of people like the ones I met in prison, because each time that I looked at them, I was also looking at myself. And I mean, of course I do feel somehow "thankful" for the fact that I didn´t acted over such thoughts, but that doesn´t mean that I am not responsible for them, and how that is also a way of creating more and more abuse in this world.

There is a big stigma around the people in prison, a stigma that begins with our own fears, our own consciousness, because we do want to believe that we are the good guys, but if you really want to know a thing about compassion (which actually should be the main difference that makes us "better persons") try to put yourself in the shoes of the other, just for a moment, and reconsider and reevaluate those moments in which each one of us have had such thoughts, or whenever we have seen the abuse that is being made to another person, or an animal and we have those type of thoughts in which we think that "they should be treated in the same way, so that they are able to understand..." what does such thoughts say about you? Do they really have to go through such pain to be able to learn to place themselves in the shoes of another? Why don´t we simply try from something more basic, so that when the moment comes in which we do face a situation where the anger wants to come up and just explode over the place, we are able to say directly and forcefully: "NO, I am not going to participate in this". If you believe that your "ideals" are right, but you have thoughts where you justify this type and kind of abuses into other people (doesn´t matter the reason), just be aware of the possibility that you may not be as different as you believe from the person that you have a conflict/problem with.

Thanks for reading.