martes, 7 de noviembre de 2017

Mi Jornada hacia la Vida, Día 1049, A little stand in the "Self Appreciation"

Yesterday was personally an exceptional day, there was nothing really especial about the whole day, but for a moment in which I gave to myself a show of personal appreciation instead of simply falling for the experience and desire of just giving into one of my biggest desires, which has been relationships themselves and the opportunity of being able to be in one and have sex and so on and so forth (you know, also not a very especial experience, because it´s like one of the most common experiences all of us humans have).

I began to text with a girl in one of those date apps, for around of something like 4 weeks, and on the first week, it would be me the one who would ask and insist on dating this girl, but you know, since the beginning she seemed like simply not interested at all, yet I every now and then (specially on the weekends) I would write her to see if she was available to go out and meet for a coffee, you know the basic stuff, but each and every weekend she would simply not answer the messages and she would actually ignore me until the day was like essentially over (at the exception of one Saturday that she asked me to meet her on a pretty looong and far place from where I was, I wasn´t able to move to her spot and I ended up rejecting the opportunity) therefore I just stopped sending messages or texting her like any day at all.

But just the other day, she wrote me asking if we could meet on Monday (meaning yesterday). I said that it was cool, and we both agreed in a central point that were convenient for us both; yet, in the afternoon, when it was about the time to meet up, I send her a message telling her that I was already on my way to the reunion point, but she told me that she was busy making a couple of payments on a different spot. I asked her if she would want us to meet other day so that she didn´t had any pressure, but she insisted on meeting up that day. By this moment, I was already concluding within me that she was actually going to do the same that she pretended on previous weekends, and yes my suspicious were actually right; I knew by the time that I was on the subway (in the crossroad between my house and the reunion point) that she was going to try and change the whole plan or simply not go to the agreed point, therefore I went directly to my house and it was then that I received a message from her asking me to go to her house for a coffee...

I told her that that wasn´t what we agreed, we both said that the were going to meet in a point that was central for both of us, so that none of us had to travel a pretty long distance to each other house, but she evaded and pushed away the point by simply ignoring my words and saying "But I am already at my house"; by that moment the experience of "desire" within my mind was moving me to such an extent that I ended up accepting her proposal of meeting up at her house, and then I asked her "Am I able to meet you at this point because I am not familiar with your zone", she said that we could meet at the point that I told her and move from there to a coffee bar, I agreed and so I put myself on my way to meet her at the point that we both agreed.

And then it came "that moment", when I arrived to the agreed point, I began to call her to her phone, but she didn´t answered, I tried a couple of times more, but she never answered and at the few minutes I received a message from her asking me to move to her house to meet her, at 30 minutes of the point were I was at that moment, and it was then that I began to see myself from the bigger picture, seeing how I was falling and giving up again my own self respect just to please the other person, I already moved to a point that was pretty far away from my home, at an hour in which whatever happened that night I was not going to be able to return in time to my home to find the subway open; and in that moment, when she said that I send her a voice note saying something like this:

"You know what? I am sorry, but I am not going to be able to meet you today, we can try again another day, on the weekend if you want, but not today. You are telling me that I have to move again to another point that is at 30 minutes from where I am, I was expecting to be able to meet you on a central point to be able to be at home in time. Look, every morning I have to wake up at 4/5 of the morning to be able to go to work at time and if I go with you now, we are essentially saying that I am going to arrive at your place like around the 21:30 pm, then I am going to have to wait for you until you arrive, and then I am going to have to run to catch the subway to hopefully be arriving at my home at the 1 of the morning. Thank you for your patience and thank you for the initiative thus far, but I am going to have to reject it; I don´t know if you want to try again to meet up on a weekend or if you want to leave this, but I am open to suggestions. I send you a big hug and have a great night"

After that I took the first subway back to my home and luckily enough I was able to arrive quicker than I initially expected; but in my way back home, making a little reflection on my recent actions I found a great gift - not everyday I give to myself that place, you know what I am talking about, that self respect and consideration when others ask me to do something that I essentially don´t want to do or that I haven´t agreed to do... I do wanted sex, but spite the fact that I didn´t got what I initially expected, I got something else that leaved me with enough courage to know where and how to stand the next time that a situation like this presents itself in my life, within myself.

Thanks for reading.