domingo, 10 de septiembre de 2017

Seeking Redemption - The Impossible Task

I was listening to this video made by Gian Roberts, as I was listening to it, several points began to emerge in relation to it.

Very recently in a discussion with a couple of friends, one of them told me, in like that "sincere, honest way" that I actually tend to provoke in him like this experience of disgust, and within that comment I also began to project into the past and see and search for the same comments that I received from my schoolmates in several occasions, which actually were comments that I used to take very personally, but I would actually internalize them and it would get me to a point were I will actually believe that, that I am a repulsive and nasty person, and within that I actually began to create several kind of ideas, thoughts, opinions about myself which also lead to a whole complex of inferiority in which I actually still tend to fall every now and then.

This kind of "convictions" lead me to the conclusion that for me to be able to "gain that respect", I had to also lead myself into situations that would allow me to get some "proof" pf my value... which literally took me to want to enter a militarized school, only to be able to show my worth, my value, my strength, and you know... that type of "male ego stuff".

But what is interesting, as it is mentioned within the video, is that actually, the more and more I found the need of proving such displays of male ego to other people, the more and more I would actually see myself running from the judgments that I actually created within myself in the moment that I accepted the comments and ideas of other people to define me; and what is more interesting, is that other people would actually be able to notice it, and the comments and critics would come up all over again in all types of forms, ways, ideas and... I mean you know where this is going...

I am still in the process of learning to respect and love myself unconditionally, and I know that for anyone who tries to walk such roads to fully accept oneself is not an easy road, but is it really more easy to live trying to hide yourself over whatever picture, idea, opinion you want others to believe, think and perceive of yourself? I don´t know, it is said that a "weak person" usually tends to imitate and use other elements, ideas, personalities or whatever it is able to find from the environment to try and define him/herself accordingly and within that find some peace and order of "being able to pertain" to I don´t know what... but as Bernard Poolman said:

"When you are born, you are not born with a language, you were told a language, and when you learn a specific language you begin to have thoughts in that language, this is more evident when you learn another language and you have thoughts on different languages, which should be sign that there is something like strange going on, because as you were not born with a language, you were told a language, therefore your thoughts are not your own, they come from someone else..."

I am not saying that we should forget and like not use any language at all, as if we had to create a new vocabulary to be able to create like a form of "authenticity", like the people who tries to change their name to be able to run away from their past or whatever... what I mean is that, at least that one is able to say that one has gone through his/her entire construct and has actually faced and worked with everything that exists within themselves to determine and create the best version of themselves, then that only means that they are also copies of the copy of the copy of the bullshit program of criticism that we have created and used generation after generation after generation...

I continue walking my own programs, and interestingly enough, what I have found is that even before being able to stop the criticism towards oneself, one has to first stop what one creates towards others... I have and still am a participant of such mind bullshit towards other people, and I am really tired of it, I am pointing out to be able to stop it completely, and I committed to that, because it is simply not cool to live worry, preoccupied or even depressed for what other people say, and its also not cool to that onto another...