viernes, 28 de julio de 2017

Mi Jornada hacia la Vida, Day 1017, Attraction pt3

First of all, a little apologize for breaking the flow of the blogs, I have begun a new project with a couple of friends, we are making some handmade notebooks with some of our illustrations and we have been giving to them our total and complete attention on these days, which is actually quite cool and this weekend we are going to be making a mural in a little Kung Fu Dojo that is located outside of the city, therefore I will be out for a couple of days, but anyway, I wanted to, you know, catch up and get things up to the day and share a little bit the process that I have been going through throughout these days.

I am not sure where to begin with, but I will take it from my last chat with my DIP buddy, where we, again, took the subject of my ex-partner, and to not make the tale like too long, he basically stated the following "What bullshit am I seeing here? Where is your commitment to stand?!!"... you know, basically...

And after that conversation with my DIP buddy, I began to take note of all the events that I have lived with this person, you know, not only the positive, but also the negative, the difficulties, the challenges and of course and not less important... the future that could came out of it if we continue like that. And as I was seeing the entirety of the pattern, I could actually notice the very same pattern that I lived with one of my ex, ex partners quite some years ago; which very curiously came like a... realization of how fuck I really am within this point; because, and this was something that also came into my kinesiology session:

"ok so what tested out for you to have a look at is how you have a personality of being very 'moralistic, specific morals tested out as being for instance: No boasting, Treat others as you would want to be treated, Be forgiving, No cheating (in general), Be dependable, Respect others. So within this personality, you tend to go into a 'character' (which is like a momentary personality expression based on an experience) of feeling 'disgusted, sarcastic and critical' whenever you see people whom you perceive are not living according to those morals and here specifically a co-worker is testing out as someone you might be experiencing this in relation to more recently. So when you're dealing with morals in the mind, it's actually based on a fear, which is the polarity. however this fear within your mind is suppressed. the fear is fear of conflict and anger, which is connected with memories you have in relation to your parents, however I tested out  that you've created a relationship of fear, suppression, conflict, avoidance and sadness in relation to these memories and fears, that's why I say it's suppressed                     

So in other words, due to your fears of conflict and anger, you've created this personality that´s actually based on you trying to avoid conflict and anger. a personality wherein you in a way suppress yourself, your wants and needs in order to live according to certain 'morals' and 'be a good person', but its really all just based on fear of facing conflict and anger, where your reaction of disgust/sarcasm/criticism to people whom you perceive are not living according to those morals is really just anger with yourself for having accepted and allowed yourself to suppress yourself, you're just taking that anger out on them because they 'represent' your fear                        

What tested out specifically are certain 'beliefs' within your mind which that personality is based on, beliefs such as:

I believe a complete and socially valuable code of ethics can be developed based (entirely) on the principle of empathy.

I believe the universe becomes more fascinating and awe-inspiring the more closely and carefully it is examined.

I believe my needs are not as important as other peoples. so what comes through within these beliefs is that point of 'giving up yourself' for others. suppressing yourself and your wants/needs for others.

So while these beliefs may at first glance appear to be 'positive' and benevolent, the reality of it is that they are how you justify your self-suppression to yourself. so they're part of how you suppress the fact that you actually just are afraid of facing conflict and anger and that's why you live according to these beliefs and those morals. in a way making you feel good about suppressing yourself so you wouldn't have to see and realize the extent to which you are in fact suppressing yourself. so that would then also be why you have such a hard time 'letting go', because that self-suppression is not something you want to see or face within yourself. 

So what tested out specifically in terms of those feelings is that it's a personality that's triggered whenever you see the 'shape' of your ex, and its actually a personality that´s also triggered in relation to your mother, and more specifically its triggered in relation to 'imagination' in your mind about how they see/perceive you. so the personality wherein you feel 'valuable, appreciated, encouraged, comforted, energized' is based on a point of imagination in your mind wherein you perceive and want them to see you as they've given you different feedback then that would just confirm to you that it was all your imagination, then perhaps your mother tested out as a more subconscious point, something you are wanting/looking for from her and have instead lived out with your girlfriend. which is how relationships generally go.

So, basically in a nutshell, this positively charged personality wherein you feel 'valuable, appreciated, encouraged, comforted, energized', is a reaction to the other personality thats based on the fear of conflict/anger which you suppress by living according to morals. and the reaction every time you see your ex is due to the suppression of that deeper personality, the resistance to face and experience the fears that its based on. so I would suggest as a solution you can apply in those moments when you see your ex and that reaction comes up - to use that reaction as your 'cue' to become aware that the reaction is really about something else and for you to look at what inside of yourself you are suppressing, so that moment of reaction can then be an opportunity for you to start investigating and opening up this whole mind-pattern, by realizing that its not so much about 'wanting her' as it is about you trying to get away from something inside yourself. Now what I tested out is pretty much the whole design of it, which exists on multiple levels of your mind. So to actually walk through it and change it will take you some time and you will do it step by step and layer by layer."

After taking a careful look again to this words, I begun to notice how I deliberately suppressed the negative aspects of the relationship with this girl just to be able to maintain the positive charge that allowed me to like "evade" my responsibility for myself, and within this, as I was taking like a "walk" through the memories with this girl and I begun to pay attention of the "details" that she actually showed in her behavior towards me, there was actually no intention at all of taking that step, that actual decision of living something for real, it was all based on this emotional experience that I wanted to hold onto, just because it allowed me to remain on that limbo that I am now beginning to see for what it is, just another justification in my mind to not face what I really need to take care of, which is myself...

I continue in the next blog