sábado, 5 de marzo de 2016

Mi Jornada hacia la Vida, Día 891, One key to face suicide thoughts through walking the "lies that we tell"



I was looking at this point just last night, where I had like this voice and pictures just rising in my head, and as I began to write and face the point, I also make a couple of questions within and around the very "purpose" that lay behind such thoughts, by purpose meaning: "What is the experience that emerge when such pictures arises or emerge?" And I was able to identify the desire of being able to "let go", (actually the very words "to end up with everything" actually means or refers to not what I am living within my day to day living, but my experiencie within and towards it) So the next question was: What is it that I want to let go? and the answer was: "I want to let go all my relationships, because I no longer want to see anyone or anything" and behind that, what I could find is that I felt a lot of shame towards myself, I don´t have any respect or trust for and towards me.

And something fascinating emerged, which actually were several memories of moments in which I lied to other people, because behind those lies, what I was trying to hide was those points of which I was ashamed of, and most important is that it were things of which I knew/thought that I was "SUPOSSED" to be ashamed of, that if other people saw about me, it would mean that I am less in value to other people. And the interesting thing is that: The more I lied, the more the people could saw and notice what was behind the lies or what I was trying to hide, because something interesting happens and this is that, one knows that the lie "has been discovered" not when one makes a mistake that reveals the truth, but only when other people confirms us that they actually already "KNEW" that we were liying..., so actually it is not them discovering the lie, it is us discovering that we were prettending to hide the truth...

The point is that, I began to see for those moments or those points in which I tell lies or live lies. Meaning those moments in which I know that I am trying to hide something disgusting about myself from the sight of other people, where what we do is that we tend to create a polarity to MAKE UP a lie, pushing away the judgments that we are actually making of ourselves and the thing is that we believe or think that that which we are presenting to others is the only picture that they can accept of ourselves, because we KNOW that we most be ashamed of that which we are hiding, and we KNOW, because that is what we have been told and shown by our culture to be ashamed of...

So, it was obvious that the memories that were coming about such lies that I told when I was young for example, actually were showing a pattern of something that is still influencing me today, but it is not so much about the believe in itself around that which I was liying about, but the very idea of having to be ashamed of myself for something or about something which leads to one not being able to respect oneself, or aprreciate oneself, because one needs to lie, one needs to hide... which is the desire to want to end everything, every relationship within myself towards me and towards everyone, because the shame within and about myself, was just too big...

I will keep walking through this ideas until I am able to stop this thoughts fully and completely, but for example, and this was something like very common in many people, which is that everyday when I stand in front of the mirror, I feel that I am too ugly, you know I think that my face is ugly and that´s why I try to hide using caps or things like that; these are judgments within everyone, and maybe they not neccesarilly lead everyone towards such thoughts of suicide, but be aware and know that in such thoughts "LIES" the potential that leads many people to such thoughts... be careful of that and take care of yourself...